I think I accidentally convinced a bunch of systems that I'm a system…
…By recounting my personal experiences.
I have had a brutal past few months because of the toxic group dynamic I was in, which I have explained in my previous entry. But to summarize, I had to endure several months of gaslighting and scapegoating because of their perceived flaws in my character.
At some point, I think there was something in my brain that broke— Either that or it was already broken to begin with, and recent events just so happened to expose the fracture lines.
The symptoms
The symptoms started during the height of the falling out, specifically when I was confronting one of my ex-friends at the time. They even told me I acted differently, and that it wasn't the usual way I act when I’m upset. I chalked it up to a very bad depersonalization episode.
However, they continued to show up sporadically even after I went no contact with them. The earliest recorded instance was around April 2026, and the most recent was in October 2026.
The aforementioned symptoms are as follows:
- There was a voice in my head that could answer back. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. Unfortunately, I can’t quite tell where my thoughts end and theirs begin. It’s hard to determine if I’m making the responses up.
- A headache along with pressure when I tried to change the voice’s answer. This also happened when I disagreed with their opinion.
- Seeing my usual self as a different entity during the episode, and preferring to be called by a name different from my actual one. This has happened at least twice.
- Having a different preference during said state. E.g. I find that I prefer a different color during the altered state and dislike a show I normally like.
- Some odd, tugging sensation- as if my consciousness was being pulled aside.
Not only that, these voice/s, and the traits or personalities that come with them happen to resemble my original characters which convinced me that I’ve officially lost it.
These sudden symptoms concern me since I don’t think they happened when I was a child. I lived most of my life on autopilot when I was younger and I barely remember much of my childhood, but I don’t believe that I’ve experienced this before.
Internet strangers
I had no access to therapy after the falling out— the stars keep aligning for me in the worst way possible, I know — so I turned to a group of internet strangers who are plural.
The consensus? They found me relatable, and that I show multiple signs that fit the diagnostic criteria. Two of them even said that I show more system symptoms than they do— and one of them was formally diagnosed.
Now, all of this is pretty damning evidence, but I am a skeptic at heart. None of the people in the group are professionals so I wouldn’t take this as a solid confirmation that I do have the disorder. That is not to say that I don’t value their opinion or that I’m outright dismissing it, though.
Therapy session
After a few weeks, I was finally able to get in touch with my new therapist— I had to catch her up on all the bullshit I went through so it wasn’t really a fulfilling session, but it was necessary. I did manage to let her know about the symptoms but we didn’t have time to go in depth about it, so I’m still in the dark about that.
Furthermore, I know that I wouldn’t get answers anytime soon. It will take longer than just one or two sessions to accurately assess what’s actually going on in my head — like whether or not I’m misattributing something benign to a disorder.
I find that I haven’t had any symptoms these past few days and it makes me question my sanity. Do I know why they disappeared? Nope! Not a damn clue — Your guesses are as good as mine. I hope I gain clarity sooner rather than later though.