There is nothing left for me to go back to
My grief feels like a spiral. I find myself thinking about reaching back out over and over again, but I always come back to the same conclusion — it's not worth it.
I try to think through the potential outcomes and their likelihood, but none of them would address the root of the issue, especially since they're convinced that they didn't do anything wrong. I would end up walking on eggshells and get shamed and bullied again if I so much as ruffled their feathers.
If not the outcomes, I think about what I felt and what I've gone through to get to the point of cutting them off. There's so much— they've pushed me too far. Despite all this, I find myself reconsidering breaking my no-contact boundary.
It sucks that I was the one who was wronged, and yet part of me still craves sharing my day with...one of them in particular, at least.
I came across this tweet while I was discussing my plight with my friends, and I guess I'll take it as a sign (even if I'm not really superstitious).
It reads,
Getting free is hard. Staying free is harder. If you're finally leaving a cycle that kept hurting you, protect that opportunity. Be intentional about who you let back in, the habits you rebuild, and the kind of life you want next. Don’t waste the exit you fought so hard for.
Easier said than done, though. I've grown weary...I wish I didn't have to feel like a part of myself has been ripped away.