When my sense of self felt like an onion layer
Oh god, after saying I hadn’t had symptoms in a while, this happened.
Two nights ago, I still felt like myself, but also like someone else at the same time.
I felt compelled to type in a specific way and felt like a different name (the maybe-alter’s own) was more correct than my actual name. It was obvious enough that my friends noticed my messages sounded off because I was too tired to mask at the time. I didn’t feel too dissociated though; I felt like my sense of self and a different sense of self were blending or overlapping like onion layers. 1
I asked the council™ 2 and they said what happened to me could be passive influence and/or co-fronting. Some other close friend who is uninvolved with that group (and has DID) also related to my experience. This makes it harder for me to refute that I’m not a system myself.
As for what triggered that state — it happened while I was alone at work. Had a lot of time for my mind to wander and I started to spiral about how my ex-friends still seem to expect an apology from me when I’ve already apologized over and over again for what I did wrong (there are things I definitely wished I handled better), but they never took accountability for what they did and how they harmed me because they did nothing wrong in their eyes.
Despite all this, I still find myself thinking about how I’d like to reach out in the possibility that they’d change their minds and realize how awful they were to me — but that’s just wishful thinking.
I just find it odd that this has been popping up lately, though. I wish I could remember if this happened before but I just never noticed.
There’s also the possibility that I was just acting differently because I’m tired or in a bad mood, but that doesn’t really explain the whole name preference changing and different word choices/manner of texting…? I could be subconsciously personifying an emotional state? I dunno, much to think about.